I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
She tied me up with her honor cords...
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
