dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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