He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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