mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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