I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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