My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Randomize
