Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
look no pants
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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