When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
