i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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