So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
