I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
