Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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