Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
you win again, gameday.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
