Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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