There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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