I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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