that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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