dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
