i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.