You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
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Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
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Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.