Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
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i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
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I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.