I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
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Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
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$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch