i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
