I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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