I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Randomize
