yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
