11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
