Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
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