I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i barfeds in our rink
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
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the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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