i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
This is the high leading the old right now
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
