I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Randomize
