I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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