My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
