My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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