**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
