Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
