just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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