I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
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