Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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