How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
smell my finger.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
