my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
