Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
