Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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