I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
