my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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