I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
