genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize