Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
