On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize