You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Slut skills are useful in every country.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize