Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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