i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
