He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
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