Well douche your snatch and let's go!
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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