I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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