my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
