you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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