Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
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