I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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