I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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