Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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