Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Randomize
