at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
