i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
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I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
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Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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