The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
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