Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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