They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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