If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
